Dear Clare, Love Eli
by we-will-not-fall-down
Summary: One letter can change a person's life. Forever.
1. Chapter 1

_So the idea for this one shot came to me when I got a letter in the mail, because, I LOVE GETTING MAIL. & so this one shot came to mind. Warning* Depressing._

_This is based after the last Eli/Clare scene in Jesus etc part 2._

**_*Edit* Since a few of you requested it, I _will_ be making this into a two-shot, explaining everything that went on. Thank you all for revewing(:_**

I walked outside, only to see an Eli Goldsworthy standing on my porch. I smiled a little, and said, "Eli. What are you doing here?"

He looked down, and, for a moment, I was terrified he was going to have another break down."I just wanted to give you this." He handed me an envelope, and I started to open it. But, I was immediately stopped by him. "Don't open it yet. Wait until later tonight. I love you, Clare." I smiled at him sadly, and he kissed my lips. It was a soft, sad kiss.

"I love you too, Eli." He walked away, not even bothering to look back at me sitting on my porch, hugging my knees to my chest, crying. Things weren't good with Eli and me, and I was afraid this letter was about him breaking up with me. I loved him, but I didn't know if that was enough. He had flaws, more than anyone could have ever imagined. He was erratic, he loved getting revenge, he could be ignorant, he had his hoarding issues, and he was overprotective. But, he was also sweet, he was loving, he was sarcastic, he was funny, and he was the one I loved.

I walked up to my room, ignoring my mother's screams from her bedroom. She was probably with her guy of the week, letting him pleasure her in whatever way possible. I rolled my eyes. She completely went against her own faith, and that made me want to call her a hypocrite. A few months ago, she had made a _huge_ deal about Eli being an atheist, but now she went around sleeping with any guy she could get her hands on. She was pathetic.

With the thoughts of my mother on my mind, I had almost completely forgotten about my letter from Eli. I wanted to read it now, but I had told him I would wait until tonight.

After about 30 minutes, my curiosity got the better of me, so I opened the envelope. There were about three pages, filled with Eli's scratchy handwriting. There were also dried tears on the paper, which caused my heart to beat quickly. I just _knew_ he was going to dump me.

_Dear Clare,_

_This is hard for me to write. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write, and that includes those killer essays for English. Clare. I love you. I love you more than anyone in the world. You understand my sadistic ways, and you accepted me with all of my insane problems. But I can't pretend anymore._

_Clare, I can't go around and pretend to be happy. Am I happy I'm with you? Of course. But I'm not happy in general. When you lose someone you love, the pain, it takes over you. Suddenly, the life you lived before this one doesn't exist. The only thing that does exist is the pain that's in your new one._

_You're the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. I couldn't have met you at a worse time, but you brought me up from that terrible place I was in. Suddenly, I wasn't always having these terrible thoughts, and, I was starting to become myself again. _

_That is, until Vegas Night. I know we don't really talk about it anymore, but that was the night everything changed again. I realized that I was about to die. And, even though Fitz didn't stab me, he still killed me. He killed the part of me that fought to be happy. When he pushed me against the wall, tormenting me with words, I thought "this is the end. This is my end. So, why aren't I happy? This is what I've always wanted, to leave the world and not ever have to look back." I didn't have any more time to think. I closed my eyes as he pulled back his arm, getting ready to plunge the knife into my stomach. When I didn't feel it go in, I looked up and noticed it in the wall._

_But I didn't feel relief. Instead, I felt anger. Why couldn't he have just ended it? A minute ago, I didn't want to die, but, now that I was so close to death, I just wish it had come. Death would be the easy way out. _

_Ever since that night, I've been trying my best to be happy. And you helped a lot with that. Without you, happiness could not have even been an option. But there was always a voice in my head, letting me know that happiness was never obtainable for someone with a past as scarred as mine._

I stopped reading for a moment, letting my tears fall on the pages, next to his dried tears. I had _no_ idea Eli felt this sad all of the time. Was I really that oblivious, or was he just amazing at hiding his emotions? I waited until my tears subsided a bit, before continuing.

_I want to be happy with you, Clare. I really do. But it's not possible. I can't be happy. I've tried. Truly, I have. But it doesn't happen. Our first date was amazing. I'll never forget how close to happy you made me. But, that whole night I was thinking to myself, "Someone had to die so you could be happy." Thinking this, of course, doesn't exactly make one feel too happy._

_Then, when Fitz came back, everything just seemed even worse. What little chance I had to be happy was gone. He was going to steal you away from me. He even told me so himself. He doesn't believe this whole 'finding God' thing. He's just doing that so you'll choose him over me._

_Now, I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably wondering why I didn't tell you that he told me that. Well, because you wouldn't have believed me. Don't lie to yourself, Clare, you know you wouldn't have. You want to believe the best about people, even if that puts you in a bad situation. _

_You believed the best about me, and now look where that's got you. It's got you reading this letter. And this letter has a point, Clare. I swear to you it does. But I guess I'm just beating around the bush. I'm avoiding the point of it. I'm avoiding it because I'm terrified to write it. To write is to make it real. _

_Clare, when I gave you this letter, it was the last time you will ever see me. I can't try to be happy anymore. I know, I'm taking the easy way out, but I can't deal with all of the pain and suffering anymore. I'm sorry. I loved you. You know that right? I loved you. I still do love you, but that's part of the reason I'm doing this. You are having thoughts of leaving me. I know you are, don't lie to yourself. But, you're afraid. You're afraid that I would overact and do something drastic. Well, now you don't have to worry about leaving me. I took that weight right off your shoulders._

_I'm leaving you, Clare, because I love you. Tell Adam I love him too, and that I'm sorry to leave him. I'm sorry to leave the both of you. But it's what needs to be done. I need to be gone to be happy. _

My tears were falling so hard now. Eli was leaving this world. He was going to kill himself. I wanted him to find happiness, but not this way.

_This is goodbye, Clare. _

_Love,  
Eli_

I was sobbing, holding my knees against my chest and soaking my t shirt. I knew, if I wanted to prevent Eli from leaving me, I would have to suck up all of this pain and run.

I ran to the Goldsworthy house, and ran straight up to Eli's room. He was lying on the floor, blood dripping everywhere. A scream escaped my lips, and I knelt down beside him, praying that he was alive. I quickly pulled out my cell phone, and dialed 911. "Hello? Yes, we need to send an ambulance to the Goldsworthy residence. It's urgent. Thank you." I pulled Eli into my arms, ignoring the fact that his blood was staining my plain white t shirt. "Eli, please don't be gone. You can't be gone. You can't leave me. Not like this." I was whispering, barely any sound escaping from my lips. I was terrified that I was going to lose him, my beautiful, loving, caring boyfriend. He was my amazingly talented English partner. He was my best friend.

I heard an ambulance outside, but I didn't move. I couldn't move. I had just felt his pulse. There was nothing.

Eli was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Well, a few of you suggested a second part (Cough Cough KitKat0219 cough cough), so I thought I'd write one about how Clare dealt with the death of her beloved Eli._**

**_To answer a question, Eli asked Clare to read the letter later that way she wouldn't have had to be the one who found him, not because he wanted to wait to kill himself. Just thought I'd clear that up. _**

**_Also, I wanted to thank all of you for reviewing this story. It honestly means EVERYTHING to me. Seriously. you guys ARE THE BEST. I love you._**

It was three days after my life was taken from me. Eli was my life, and he was taken from me. He was taken away at such a young age, and it wasn't fair. It truly wasn't.

Today was his funeral. I was supposed to go. I _had_ to go. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. It was too soon. I heard a knock on my front door, and Adam was standing there, shaking. "Clare, I know I have to go, but I can't do it. I can't go alone." I pulled him into my arms and soaked his shirt with my tears, just as he was soaking mine.

"I know, Adam. I know." He pulled away, and I took his hand. We needed to go, but the only way we could do it was if we went together. I got in Adam's mom's mini-van, ignoring Mrs. Torres's worried glance back at me, and just sat in the back, in a ball, bawling my eyes out.

We pulled up to where the funeral was being held, and I felt three pairs of eyes looking at me. I looked up and noticed Drew, Adam's brother, was also in the car. He helped me out, telling me that it was all going to be okay. He was wrong. It wasn't going to be okay.

Drew and Mrs. Torres went to sit in the back, where practically Degrassi's whole population was sitting. Those people who tormented him, made his life hell, they were all here, acting as if they would miss him. That made me sick.

Adam and I walked towards the front, hand in hand. I walked up to CeCe, and she took me into her arms. She was crying, and so was I. "Clare, I'm so glad you came. Eli… well, despite what you may now believe, he really did love you." I nodded, and pulled away, going to find a seat with Adam. We sat in the back, not wanting to disturb Eli's family.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around, seeing Sav, Alli, and Mr. and Mrs. Bhandari. I guess Alli had decided to come home now that a tragedy has happened. Alli took one look at me, and pulled me into her arms. "Clare," she whispered, "I'm so sorry this happened. I can't believe…" she trailed off, not really knowing what to say. I pulled away from her, and looked at my best friend. "I know, Alli. I just don't know what to say, either. I just can't believe he's really gone." She nodded, but I wasn't finished with my rant. "I'll never get to hear him laugh, never get his amazing editing skills, and he never even got to finish teaching me how to drive. I'll never get to see his smirk again. I'll never get to kiss him again. I'll never get to hear him tell me he loves me again." I was sobbing by this point, and Adam noticed and hugged me.

Sav looked towards me with sad eyes. Sav was like my big brother, and I knew he probably hated seeing me like this. He looked up at me and spoke. "Clare-Bear, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. No one does. You know if there's anything I can do for you, you just tell me and I'll do it, alright? No matter how big the favor, as long as it's possible, I'll do it. And, if it's not possible, I'll do my best to get it done anyway. We love you, Clare, and you're in our prayers." I nodded, thanking him, but there was nothing they could do. There was nothing _anyone _could do. Unless someone could turn back time and make me run after Eli that morning.

CeCe came to where I was sitting and beckoned me over to her. I walked over, slightly confused. She was Eli's mom, why was she so worried about his girlfriend? As hard as this was on me, I can't even imagine how hard it must have been on her. "Clare, I know how hard this must be for you, because I watched Eli go through the same thing. But Julia and Eli, well, Clare-Bear, they weren't anything like you and Eli. Julia made Eli happy, but you completed him." I felt a few more tears come to my eyes and hugged CeCe as tightly as I could. She hugged me back, but pulled away and looked at me. "I was wondering if you would say a few words about him. We don't really have a big family, and he didn't have very many friends, so that leaves you. I understand if you don't want to, I just thought I'd ask."

Wow. Telling all of these people about Eli seemed terrifying. But, it seemed like something that needed to be done. I nodded, and she directed me to where I was supposed to talk.

When the time came, to say I was nervous was an understatement. But, I wasn't nervous about talking in front of these people, because I didn't care what people thought. I didn't care about _anything_ anymore. I was afraid I wouldn't do Eli justice. He was so amazing, and I couldn't put his amazingness into words. But, I had to try.

I got up to the microphone and took it in my hands, before facing all of the people. "Hi. I'm umm Clare, Clare Edwards. I am, well, I was Eli's girlfriend. I know a lot of you are here because you felt it was the right thing to do. But I'm going to tell you a few things about Eli, so maybe you can leave this place knowing him a little bit better." I looked over at CeCe, and, through her tears, she gave me a thumbs up in encouragement.

"Well, to say Eli was loving is an understatement. I know, a lot of you are probably thinking that I'm insane for saying so, but he really was, to the people he loved. He would do anything to stand up for a friend, even if that included almost getting stabbed in the process." I looked over at Adam, and he smiled up at me, urging me to continue. "Eli was sweet and caring, and he always worried about other's feelings before his own. But, he had a hard life.

As most of you know, his girlfriend was killed in a car accident about two years ago. That messed him up a lot. He had a lot of emotional issues due to that accident, but he dealt with them wonderfully.

Elijah Goldsworthy loved black, heavy metal music, skulls, and, of course, his hearse, Morty." This earned a few laughs out of the people in the audience, mostly towards the back, where all of the strangers were. "But, he also loved writing, poetry, dancing, and just being with his friends. He was protective of the people he loved, and, although sometimes it was taken to an extreme, it was always appreciated.

Eli and I were very close. I knew about all of his problems, and I tried to help him as best as I could. But, our relationship wasn't all drama. It was just fun. He was a fun person to be around. In fact, we met by him running over my glasses in Morty. We became friends when I was assigned him as my writing partner in English. Well, to say this is probably the corniest thing I have ever said, but I was a goner as soon as I looked into those jade-green eyes." I heard a few people sob, and some were smiling sadly at me. "I know what you're all probably thinking, you're young, you'll move on, be happy, you don't even know what love is. But with all of the problems Eli and I went through, I think what we had _was_ love. It still is." I played with the ring he had given me again, and looked back up.

"I love Eli Goldsworthy with all of my heart. I always will. He was my perfect match, and I won't ever find another person quite like him again, I know that for a fact. So, all of you who really didn't know Eli, I'm asking you to leave her knowing the Eli that I knew. Not 'that emo Eli kid.' Because he was so much more than that. He _is_ so much more than that. Thank you." I walked away from the microphone, and, before I even got down from the step I started bawling. Adam came up to get me, and dragged me back to my seat, but I ignored him, running outside. I couldn't do this. I couldn't go through this pain.

I wasn't strong enough for this. I couldn't be strong enough for this. I had to get away. I took a bus back to my house, and went into Darcy's room, looking for something in particular. I finally found it, her drawer of sharp razor blades that mom and dad never knew about. I took a deep breath, and put one of them against my wrists, cutting as deeply as I possibly could, before letting go and cutting again and again.  
Everything was starting to get blurry.

This was the end, this was my end. The last thing I felt was blood surrounding me, before the life I previously called my own faded to black.

* * *

**_Someone asked in a review if Clare died. Yes, sadly, Clare comitted suicide because she couldn't even begin to imagine living without Eli._**

I know. The ending was... depressing. But I warned it was depressing in the first chapter. I did write another ending, so if you want one that's a bit less.. tragic message me.. I personally like this ending better, because it shows something that makes the tragedy come to an end nicely. Thank you all for reading and REVIEWING(:

**Also, this is the END of this story. What would the 3rd chapter even be about anyways? So yes, I'm marking this as complete, and there will be no third chapter added later. (:**


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